The Abyss

Is now what I'm referring to my life as. Seriously though this has been the worst 11 weeks of all time, and I'm not even sure if it's longer than that - my memories have melted into one long string of 4:00 in the afternoons. These are literally the only words I have to describe the never ending boredom and unbearable yet unavoidable self-analysis spawned from a life of complete nothingness. Alright too far yeah, basically I've just been doing nothing at all for weeks upon weeks while everyone else I know is out living it - this, coupled with frequent arguments and the realisation that my social circle is smaller than my own mother's, has consequently taken a toll on the old self-esteem. I just generally feel like shit and need to get out of this pattern. I wish I could move back to London sooner but sadly I have others' preferences to think about. I think I need a dramatic overhaul or something - to completely resuscitate my life and actually do something for once.

I think I've become the definition of 'waste'. I'm literally just sitting here, all the time. My mind is decomposing.

Bad Ideas, Bad Times

So it isn't tuesday but whatever, I couldn't be bothered writing earlier in the week so it looks like now's the time. I did drink the Robo though, and believe me there will be no repeat performances. I guess I reached the 2nd plateau or whatever by doubling it to 200ml but FUCK it was fucking horrendous. Exactly like K, gross as shit dude. I hate that stuff anyways so having it sprung on me like that, woah. I couldn't even see straight for like 5 hours and all the while I was trying to engage in these normal conversations with people online. I'm not even reading that shit back 'cause who the fuck knows what I was on about probably.

So yeah, DXM ain't for me I guess. I've heard pretty weird stuff about the 4th plateau though - people apparently use high doses for 'shamanic practice and spiritual enlightenment' which sounds cool. I read a story about this one dude who thought he was a flower he was tripping so hard. I don't trust myself though I know I'd puke everywhere or die or something. It's hella dissociative too so I'd probably end up doing a load of crazy embarrassing shit and not remembering it. Guess I won't be reaching the higher plateaus any time ever then.

Other bullshit...trying to find a house with semi-luck but it's stressing me out too much to even think about right now. I'm going down to London to sort it all out next week for 43 BEANS which'll be nice for my bank account etc. But hopefully I'll come back with a house so sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Anyways, I'm sleepy.

Robo Trippin'

I chugged some DXM the other day. I know it's fuckin' sick but I'd only heard good things. I was expecting it to taste gross or something but it was actually pretty good, like cherries. I only did 100ml, and it didn't kick in for the longest time, something like three hours. I was sat on my bed just waiting forever, then I got up and walked to the bathroom (robo seriously fucks with your stomach) and it hit me just like WHAM. I went all dizzy and light, it felt a bit like I was floating around the place, but I felt heavy at the same time. I had this weird oozing feeling in my chest, like things were sliming around my ribcage. It was cool. I wrote some shit down, I'm pretty bad at remembering myself when I'm wasted, so I'll write a few lines up here:

"...I feel weird, like I should feel like shit but I don't really. I feel sick. I keep having to run to the bathroom and I can't stop shaking, weird. I'm hot and cold, really comfy but restless. My face feels prickly. I hope this doesn't fuck me up..."

Then I remember feeling like I was in a forest or some shit for a while and that's generally it. I don't think I swallowed anywhere near enough for a full-blown trip, but it was cool for a first try. I'm headin' to the pharmacy on monday so I can give it another shot. Need to get this job out the way first though, fuck working behind a bar on a comedown. I hope it's better than last time - I think I'll double the dosage. Maybe just buy a big bottle. I'll have to do some more research though, I don't wanna take too much and start freakin' out. I might do it in the day, sit outside or something. Make it more interesting.

More to come on tuesday...